Brew Jokes

A bit of beer humor to hopefully help you pass the day with a smile on your face and a beer in your heart.

  • Old Man Murphy

    Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn’t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man’s death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.” She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she…

  • Three Little Pigs

    A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies “down the hall and to the left”. Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies “down the hall and to the left”. Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him “well aren’t you going to ask where the bathroom is?” The pig replies ” no, i…

  • Cuckoo Clock

    At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself. The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, “Midnight, just like I said.” She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Shit!,’ cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times,…

  • Company Policy

    While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include: 1. It\’s an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don\’t care. 10. It eliminates…

  • Proud Fathers

    Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says \”I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment. He started out sweeping floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday.\” Second guy says, \”Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he…

  • The Giraffe

    A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, “A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please. ” So they proceed to drink. Then: “…a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too ” And they keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, “Hey! You ‘re not going to leave that lyin ‘ on the floor, are you? ” The guy replies “That ‘s not a lion… it ‘s a giraffe. “

  • One Penny

    A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that ‘ll be 1 cent. “ “One penny?! ” exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, “Yes. “ So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad? ” “Certainly sir, ” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money. “ “How much money? ” inquires the guy. “Four cents, ” he replies. “Four cents?! ” exclaims the guy. “Where ‘s the guy who owns this place? ” The barman replies, “Out with…

  • Bar or Pub Translations

    1.  “Excuse Me. ” (male to male) —  “Get the hell out of the way. “ 2.  “Excuse Me. ” (male to female) —  “I am going to grope you now. “ 3.  “Excuse Me. ” (female to male) —  “Don ‘t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way. “ 4.  “Excuse Me. ” (female to female) —  “Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don ‘t think for one minute that you are. And get your eyes off of my man, or I ‘ll slap you like the slut you are. “…

  • Corona vs. Budweiser vs. Coors vs. Guinness

    After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says,  “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona. ” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says,  “I ‘d like the best beer in the world, give me  ‘The King Of Beers ‘, a Budweiser. ” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says,  “I ‘d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors. ” He gets it. The guy from…